Am I? Part II: IS HE?

"God," I said, sorting through some anger, "you're my God."

"AM I?" I heard Him say.

"Yes, you're my God."

"Then why aren't you acting like I'm your God?"

As previously mentioned, and not much elaborated on, this last week was a tough one. It ended on a high note, however, with friends coming together to show us support in our adoption process. We raised quite a bit of money, while at the same time being so INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL!

At the end of the night, exhausted and burnt-out from the week’s drama (some of which I brought on myself), I was fed up with minor attitudes I observed from some of the musicians. That, along with much of the struggle we've been dealing with as we get our emotions entrenched in kiddos in Africa, as well as a few I see on a daily basis right here, in the good ol' US of A.

As these themes continue to spin their shadowy images in my brain, I've found myself feeling a bit paranoid. Trust is something I’ve offered up cheaply for most of my life, and at times it feels like it was taken for granted and/or stolen. I trust quickly, but do not tend to be as open with someone who has betrayed said trust. Likewise, I am apt to “reading” what other people are thinking when they don’t say anything at all. Very recently, I’ve run into this tendency and it’s starting to wear on my nerves.

It has been suggested a few times, in the last week, I don’t know enough about situations I’m in the middle of. When we shared some concerning news with close friends, recently, one of them said “that’s disturbing… if it’s true…”

While I understand the sentiment, it bothers me. Why wouldn't something we say to them be true? I mean, I guess we could be led by the nose by someone else, but we aren't generally ones to jump into the leaf-pile until we know there isn't a cinder block under it. We have had enough burnt finger tips to remember the next time we get too close to the fire.

Then again, we have other mutual friends who are coming from a different tent in the same camp, and we do not bother to share our concerns with them, as they have already made up their minds about the situation and would not appreciate our shedding of light.

Can you tell I’m being a bit vague?

Honestly, I love my friends, but struggle with trusting them sometimes. Not that they’ve ever been dishonest with me (that I know of… heheh), but they also are slow to tell me what they really think.

 

In the same boat, I struggle with “my God.”

I mean, how can the all-knowing, all-powerful Lord of my life also be the God who sees what is going on in Africa and isn’t doing anything about it? Ebola is beginning to attack the small country two of our children are living in. It has almost taken an estimated two thousand lives throughout western Africa. TWO THOUSAND! Fortunately (I hate this word in this context, but…), it has not affected the orphanage that houses our kids, and hopefully it never will. But it is in their country.

And we have our hands tied attempting to get them out…! I am not, nor have I ever been an agnostic. God and I have too deep a relationship for me to honestly wonder if He exists. He has done far too much in my life, and allowed me to see glimpses, for me to walk away and decide I know more than I need to. At the same time, He knows we have our hands tied! If anyone could unbind us, it’s Him! So why doesn't He?!?

Why have we had to watch as other friends who were so determined to adopt, also, finally decided they couldn't continue the struggle... with our own American-run orphanage? Some have moved on because they knew it wasn't the "right fit," but others have begrudgingly walked away because of the people they also thought they could trust and found out otherwise. Where is God in all of this? As a Believer, I know He's right here... and that almost hurts more than wondering where He is. And it's oh-so-easy to be angry at God.

"Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself,because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much.”

At the back of my mind… way down deep… pushed there, while my anger and frustration continues to heat, I hear Him talking to Job. Job, a man who lost his children, his wealth, his health, and was confronted by fools he believed were friends. He went through so much more than I could imagine; his wife told him to curse God and die! He didn’t do that, but he did complain. Like me…

I have to face facts where they lie. I cannot move them; I cannot rewrite them (God does know I’ve tried!); I have to accept them where they are.

I hate the phrase “you know I’m human, right?” Drives me nuts! But the truth is, I am inflicted with all of the frailties and disease instilled in me as every human being. I have less of an excuse because Jesus has opened my eyes to a Truth I cannot deny, but I still fail.

So when I hear God’s still quiet voice, again, asking…

"Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?”

I have to respond…

“Uh, God? Those ignorant words? Yeah, that would be me…”