And... Here We Go

Wow, there have been so many things going on in this whirlwind it’s hard to sort it all out.

First off, I need to apologize to some friends. They know what has happened; indeed, we have made amends; but it’s still important to openly mention that I was wrong. I do have a tendency to under-think what I might say, and that sometimes hurts people I don’t want to hurt. I am sincerely sorry.

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I'm constantly amazed at the blessings I overlook until it's far past time for recognition. As much as I endorse the idea of praying and giving all of our troubles to God, I'm quick to pick up those same dilemmas should any new negative developments arise. Do the trials in our life somehow negate the incredible grace poured on us in just about every circumstance of life? No. But it sure as heck feels like everything positive falls away as soon as the arrows start whistling in.

The adoption process is very much like that, from what we've experienced. There are definitely the "ups and downs" (I hate cliches, but they are such an easy way to express a thought in a few words) as one would imagine, but the ups are relatively infrequent and the downs... well the downs seem to stop just short of Hell.  

What's funny is I know some of the folks reading this are nodding their head; they've been there and may even be eating the bitter grains that come with being a potential adoptive parent. I know one family, in particular who have finally crossed the threshold of adopting their son, but are still waiting on the U.S. (yes, as in UNITED STATES) Government to sign the visa. Strange; we live in such a free country, but are still so often more cautious than might be safe.

I started this post about a week ago, but was too distracted to finish it, and by the time I got back to it today, have had too much stuff happen to remember what (or why) I started writing the first time around. Needless to say, even a few minutes before starting up, again, I was on the phone with one of our senator's offices trying to dig through the mess that seems to be international adoption. I’m amazed at how helpful and compassionate people are willing to be (even if I didn’t vote for their boss).

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So… I took a deep breath and dove in.

Here’s part of the deal, now that I think about it; ANGER. Yeah, I’m an angry little dude, sometimes. Believe it or not, I’m not walking around with a chip on my shoulder waiting for someone to unwittingly knock it off, but I do see the deeper we get into the adoption process and the more willing I am to takes stands against what is obviously wrong in my little world, the easier it is for me to allow anger to control my actions. All told, I’m also coming to more of a realization that anger is not always a bad thing; I cannot let it control me or turn to hatred, but having a sense of justice and believing in that sense of justice is not, in and of itself, wrong.

As far back as I can remember I've second-guessed myself, wondering if I said too much, or, if I spoke, what the repercussions could be. Part of it is because I've been dealt some harsh blows because of my flailing tongue; I speak my “mind at that moment” and it brings down hail.

As my brother used to say, “open mouth, insert foot…”

Unfortunately, the caution I sometimes hid behind was almost as damaging. On a few occasions, if I had spoken when I ought to have spoken, things probably would have gone a little better. So, I’m basically back toward square one, trying to balance out what should be said and what should be bitten back.

Right now I’m too tired not to risk writing something else wrong on here, so I’m done…